Monday, 27 August 2007

An argument from the house of Desiree Skylark...

Current mood:  silly

Hello all, and sorry I've been away for so long.  I've been feeling really sick with a very bad cold and cough, and still feeling rather ill, but I just thought I'd better post a blog.  This is a really silly blog entry containing one of the common arguments between my parents regarding the house we're supposed to be moving to...
The wording might not be exactly right, because I rushed to take notes, and this cuts in to the argument about five minutes into it, but you should get the basic idea...
Blue = Mum and Red = Dad
You walk in a house, you don't know what you don't like about it...I don't know how anyone makes their mind up.  I walked into this house,and thought "Yuck" to the carpet.  Nasty, garish thing!That doesn't worry me.  I'll be able to change things like that.But you didn't!  I had to!Not in the timescale you wanted, maybe.  But I would have done... We just didn't have the money at that time.So I bought it myself.  It wouldn't have got done otherwise!  I mean, I hate the thugs and drunks, but I like the window looking out on to the street.  I feel like I'm in a box there and that's just in the front room - the best end.  She can't even have double glazing in her bedroom!
Why not?
The architect told you you can't have double glazing in that room!
You can have whatever you like!The window frame wouldn't suppport it, he said!
Get a new window frame then!

He said we couldn't get a new window frame.  The bathroom's rubbish too - it's too small, and there's no room for an airer or airing cupboard...Put an airer in the garden then!That'll be good when the weather is bad!  Then there's the problem of there being no space for a bath in the bathroom.  I'm more worried about that personally.What about the bath in the loft?What about it?  Well, the bath was going in "your" loft at what point!You won't go to the loft all the time!I don't have a bath all the time!Yeah, well that's one thing I thought you'd want to change!
Why do you change?  You say one thing and then say you didn't all the time...
The bathroom is too small anyway.  There's no airing cupboard! In our house we have one downstairs.Yeah, but...
In Emma's house she has an airing cupboard outside the bathroom.  39's
(My grandparent's old house, that my Mum wanted to move into) bathroom was downstairs, and they had an airing cupboard behind one of the chairs. 
What's an airing cupboard anyway?
(Mum obviously feels flustered by Dad's stupidity by this point) ...One that's warm.Right. Well, there's one of them in the little bedroom.
Oh, but that's coming out!
WHY?To make way for a wardrobe.  I've got Ron's... (My uncle who left us the house)
Yeah,  I don't know what we're going to do with that one!  She (I) doesn't want it!Well, of course she doesn't!  It's too big, and she doesn't have many clothes.  (Er, I'm hoping to change that, Mother Dearest!) Then there are mine, which are cr*p...Yes...  (David nods his head in a sarcastic, knowing way)
But they were my mum and dad's...All right, all right, enough of that.  You want to make the other room into something else though, don't you?!Well, is the front of the house and nice and light!  Is it really bad to not want to only sleep in a big bright room?How many living rooms...LISTEN!  Just going up there to sleep in the biggest, brightest room in the house doesn't make sense to me.  Oh, yes, get a big, light room and then let's  only go up there to sleep!  (Mum's turn to be sarcastic)  We need more seats.  You have a 16-year-old sitting on the floor all day down there. What a waste to have a potential living room and just sleep in it.  I think it's a waste!
Then why do you want to look at the back garden, if you like the light at the front of the house?
I want several different places to sit for a change of scenery!  The house is the wrong way round!You can't be in both places at the same time!  That house is sh*t!Well, as you say, I wouldn't be moving at all if not for Ron...Not to Northfields.
Well, that's where she wants to go, and where I regret leaving.
Look, Jacqui, you'll get 80,000 quid probably.If I live in there?No, as long as we find somewhere else below 600,000 it should make no difference.It wouldn't be all clean with a new garden though.We're taking about 150,000... (David starts figuring out a sum)Yes...We wouldn't need an extension.  So that's 40,000.  No upstairs thing...What upstairs thing?The bl**dy loft, of course!I doubt you'd get a loft for that price!Four bedrooms normally includes a loft,  Jacqui!Not layed out like you want them, David!That doesn't matter.The houses in Northfields are built to be tiny.  The stairs are almost vertical against the walls!(David continues sum, ignoring Mum) No re-wiring... That's another 10,000.  It's the VAT that hits you.
What VAT?
You have to pay VAT on everything.  What I'm
asking is what the inheritance tax costs, and the estate agent will cost.  I need calculation for what living in that house will cost me, as opposed to buying another house in that area.I'm hoping there'll be no ineheritance tax.  Ah, right, now that's a point.  I need to ring...Who? 
The Inland Revenue.  I've got to go - my stomach's giving me hell today!  So no conversation...again!
Well, look, Jacqui!  Any charges he makes...
Who makes?
The solicitor.  Any charges should come out of the inheritance tax.  Say he says 5000; I would hope that would knock 2000 off your inheritance tax. 
He's got the deeds to the house, and the Noel's
(the nasty neighbours who nicked stuff from the house after Ron died) have some of our garden plot behind their fence.  That needs sorting out too.
Then there's Ron's burial.  I know we paid them
(The funeral director) But you left it so long they want paying again!We have to check... (*Begins to mumble, in a typical David style...*)
...When that other place is open. 
(I'm still not sure what the "Other place" was myself, but they seemed to know what they were talking about!)I don't know when the other place is open.Nor do I.
So have you done the sum yet?!
Any way you do it you're going to get 80,000.What's the most I could spend on another house in Northfields and get the same amount of money?  You also need to think about what you need to do to the house when you get it.
I think we could afford to spend about 575,000
So I could buy one for 550,000 and still have the money to change all the carpets and  make it my own house?
I'd hope you'd have 50,000 more besides, Jacqui!  Say you get 450,'re going to have to pay them 67,000...say you get 440,000 to be on the safe side. If you get something for 560,000 that's 120,000 more. So that leaves you 25-30,000 to do the place up, and you still get...
How much in the bank? (Mum is impatient after David's long and confusing sum)
(Dad still attempts to dodge the subject) If I'm right we could get 270,000 for this house.  Who are you kidding, you great fat ugly man?  230,000 or 250,000 tops!(David ignores her, and continues) Say we've already spent 16,000 doing the place up to sell, we'll be left with 254,000...  SO HOW MUCH WILL I HAVE IN THE BANK?!?!?! (Mum is really angry now)About 75,000...  (Comes the rather sheepish reply from David)
B*gg*r.  No point looking at houses for one we like better then. Why not?  If you move there, you'll only get about 75,000So basically you've f***ed us up by moving here.  Either way, I'm not  going to get much money.   It will have to be Ron's house then - at least I know one lot of neighbours there.
But it's no good.  You won't live in the front of the house...  I want to live in the back but I suppose...
  (David starts muttering again) If it's 450,000 you get...if you spend 150,'ll still get 75,000 whatever.
So I'm better off to have that house.
I just thought we might get some ideas from looking at other houses.
You can always go to look at other houses anyway!
Yeah, we don't have to sell that one yet.  Just see what else is available. I don't mind The Ryde myself. 
There was a house for sale there not so long ago.Was there?  Yeah...How much?  I can't remember.  I also like Loveday Road.
hey have "four bedrooms" which usually means tiny little divided rooms in Northfields but the ones in Loveday Road are big!They're building some big ones...Who are?  Where?I don't know  Wimpy's or somebody.  They're building them somewhere in Northfields. (David's such an idiot!  At least know what you're going to say before you say it!)
Yeah, but they talk about four bedrooms, but they're not much more than Ron's "box room".  (I sigh, trying to keep up note-taking)  Look, she's hot and bothered.   She likes that house, but she's the only one! We're going round and round in circles,  Jacqui!Well, financially that house is best.  Plus we know couple neighbours, and there's an association against crime, which The Ryde isn't covered by, since it's Brentford.  That's why it's cheaper.Yeah, I know.
See, 39
(My Grandparent's old house) and Woodberry (Ron's house) are the easiest places to get in with the neighbours...
I'll give the architect a plan of the options you want, and we'll see what he can do...
Not much, I'd imagine.  The bathroom is too small, and you can't cut into her bedroom.  However, if you have the bath upstairs, you'll have room for shelving for your books and stuff, a cupboard for two...
I don't want my books in the bathroom!
 (Even though he reads in the bathroom!)  Anyway, if you don't have a bath, you'll have a shower, won't you?
I DON'T HAVE A SHOWER  IN MY HOUSE!!!  I don't use a shower, and neither does Desiree.
She might change...
She won't change!  (Er...thanks for putting words in my mouth, mother!  David glares at Mum, so she continues, hurriedly...) *Sighs*  All right, I'll have to have a shower in the bath like other normal human beings.  I hate showers.  They drip and I hate the smelly humidity.  Showers are horrid to clean.  It wouldn't affect you - you'd get out, and leave it for someone else to clean.  The only shower that's nice are those like ours.
I know, but I can't have a bl**dy bath upstairs.
You wanted a toilet upstairs before, not a bloomin' bath or shower!  Basically, you're making the loft your home, while I'm living in the cr*p place downstairs.
I'm not stopping you from using it or going up there!I don't want to use it or go up there!  What I'm asking, is who's going to CLEAN it!
Me, I would imagine.  Who clears the hair pair of you leave everywhere in the bathroom away now?
God knows! I don't leave hair everywhere, and as for who cleans, you certainly don't!
I said I cleaR, not that I cleaN!  Look, Jacqui, I've got to go! 
(David stands up, but Mum keeps talking to him, and keeps him in the lounge doorway)
Yeah, I'm sure.  Avoiding the discussion.  Can't we have a shorter bath or a "proper" shower in the loft?
Perhaps you could... Hmm...  I still don't see why you won't have a shower in the bathroom though!
In the upstairs bathroom, we need a toilet, basin, cupboards...we don't want a "smelly humidity shower"!!!I don't mind plastic sides for a shower.  What's your problem, Jacqui?!Glass and plastic aren't like tiles.  They get stains and smears and...ugh!Yes, but you need some plastic shower curtains there at least to stop the water splashing out.  You can still have your tiles elsewhere!Don't you ever understand me?  I hate damp plastic! You don't notice the dirt on tiles, especially if they're patterned!  But you see horrible dribbles and splashes all over clear stuff like glass and plastic.  And showers always make bathrooms steamy and horribly hot too.  Smelly humidity, as I said before!  That's what extractor fans are for!  To keep the bathroom...I hate plastic shower curtains too.  Washing them is horrible.  I've seen them in other people's houses and they smell terrible!
What?  You mean the actual curtains?  Yes.
Yeah, well, I prefer the fixed things myself.
I  like the one here, if only you'd ever got it working...
Yeah, but you can't have one of them there!
 (David walks out of room, avoiding the conversation and heading towards the bathroom with a book)
Right, goodbye!  (From Mum, sarcastically.  When she gets no answer she continues to shout up the stairs...)  You avoid sorting this situation out every time!  We weren't even on to discussing the carbunkle (extension on back of house)...
And so, once again, the argument draws to a close, with no further progress made.  And that, my  friends, is a typical day in the life at the Desiree Skylark's My Little Pony Rescue Home.
Best wishes,

Desiree  xxx 

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