Sunday, 27 January 2008

Another Hilarious Outing

Current mood:  hopeful

Mum desperately wanted to go to her Family History Fair today, but it just seems it wasn't meant to be. 
First we overslept (which was my fault, of course, since I stayed up late writing that blog last night - doesn't matter that both of my parents were asleep at that time anyway! ), so Mum said it was "too late to go" since she wanted to attend a lecture there and the tickets went on sale at 10am.  (We wouldn't have even got there until 12pm, so the tickets would have probably been sold out)
However, when David declared he was going back in the bathroom since he had the afternoon free from having to take us out, Mum started to get annoyed.  As he wasted more and more time upstairs, she got more and more agitated and began pacing up and down.  Eventually, she yelled at him, and asked, "How long are you going to be?". He came downstairs at 1pm, and Mum decided she was going to go to the fair, even though it was too late for the lectures.   So we drove all the way to Woking Sports Centre (No hardship for me, since Paul O'Grady was on Radio Two with the Sunday "Music from Theatre" programme), only to find there wasn't a trace of the fair!
After searching for 30 minutes, we had to turn around and return to Grottsville, David point-blank refusing to look at any kitchen showrooms on the way, which Mum was actually willing to do since her fair had been "Cancelled", nor would he get us any frozen dinner in Tesco (which we like to have on Sunday's if we can spare the time to buy it and eat it immediately, since we don't have a freezer to eat frozen food normally).  He just wanted to rush home for the football. Hence, we only had half a meal today...we NEEDED some vegetarian sausages!!!
Having turned the computer on, I discovered why we hadn't been able to find the family history fair.  It was actually taking place at BRACKNELL SPORTS CENTRE!!!  Mum's eyesight has got so bad now that she couldn't even read the details off of the website properly, and had copied down details of a different event.  I did feel sorry for her, because she's been looking forward to this for months, and it won't take place again for another two years now.
And tonight, we tested the other TV aerial (the one David squashed under a load of heavy folders) and found that we can *just* about pick up ITV1...hence, I'm struggling to actually watch "Dancing On Ice" this week.  Can't really see much, but at least I can hear it this time.  Fingers crossed that Greg gets through this week - I'm still waiting for him to skate though.  I hope the TV doesn't die on me completely before then!  And also I'm sending good luck to Aggie, since she's really putting the effort in, even if she's not very good.
Oh, and last but not least, wishing a VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Caroline!!!  Hope the coming year is a better one for you.
Loads of love to you all,
Desiree Skylark  xxx

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Just a Random Blog On Life

Current mood:  nostalgic

Mum got her test results back yesterday...and they showed up clear!  However, we're not really sure if this is good or bad.  She still has her problems, and her inability to breathe is actually getting worse.   It might have been better to find out she had an illness so that they could work towards curing her.
Her money has also risen by £1000 these past two days, so hopefully our financial troubles won't continue too much longer.

Right, now for today's wonderful story:  First off, I got up really early in the hopes of fixing the TV in order to record the repeat of last week's episode of "Dancing On Ice".  No chance.  David has snapped the aerial in two halves by putting boxes of heavy books on top of it!  So it looks like I'm set to miss the entire series. 

This afternoon, we went to look at kitchen designs at Homebase.  There was a horribly long traffic jam on the way there, and I happened to catch sight of myself in the rearview mirror, and realised just how awful I looked.  I went a little crazy, and admit to the fact I did start to moan a bit.  Then we noticed a park nearby to the (*wonderful*) area we're moving to was totsally cordoned off and realised something must have happened there.   Plus Mum kept trying to speak to David...who just kept turning the radio up louder and louder in order to block her out!  So by the time we reached our destination, we were all feeling more than a little agitated.

I walked in ahead, singing to myself as usual, and was told I was "flouncing".  We walked straight to the kitchen designs, and Mum (Who was feeling rather sick by this point) decided immediately that she was going to HATE them all.  "Right, there's none here worth having." She declared, having hardly even looked at the ones available.  Then she turned to me and said, "This is going to delay us another TWO YEARS now, because we HAVE to wait for better designs than these to come in."  I swear that was said in a deliberately spiteful fashion, but Mum says not.  "Then let me lead a normal life from Grottsville."  I said.  "I'm going to be 17 in less than four months, and I'm not even allowed to dress the way I want to, much less get an education or a job!"  "Nobody's stopping you leading a normal life, except yourself.  Go out from there - I don't give a ****!"  "Really?" I replied.  "Look at the people around there.  You can't just go from never leaving the house alone to walking around in that place.  I've been begging David to take me to Woodberry (The new house) for weeks so that I can go out from there to start with, but he won't spare the time for us, as you already know..."  Anyways, we began to move over to the bathroom furniture the other side of the shop, me walking away from my parents, Mum contradicting herself by panicking madly when I dared to walk further than about 15 footsteps away from her, and the pair of them arguing amongst themselves. 

"She thinks she's so f***ing important, and she's a NOBODY.  The house was left to ME and I want to sell it!"
etc. etc. etc.  I won't even go into the boring details here, but you get the picture.   Something happened after that, with me speaking up for myself, and Mum "punishing" me by leaving the shop, and threatening (promising) that I'll "be allowed to do everything on my own from now on, since she wants nothing to do with me from now on".  Er...isn't that what she said on my last birthday?

The argument continued in the car.  In the end, Mum leaned over to punch me on the arm, and in self-defence, I grabbed her arm and shook it.  I forgot that this was the arm that was still sore from the blood test she had to have done.  (She has a massive bruise, but since she wears such enormously baggy clothing to cover every inch of her, I didn't remember )  Anyhow, she went mad at me, screaming that I was "selfish to keep on about my appearance in every situation" , especially when she "has a heart murmur" (which has probably just been caused by her recent flu anyway, in which case it'll go away again just as quickly as it came).  David then had a go at me, saying that "neither of them had ever stopped me from doing anythink.  They just didn't know of anythink that I wanted to do, other than collect ponies".   Um...   Also, "of course you can live a normal life in Grottsville or wha'ever ya call it.  How do you think all the uvver kids manage?  They all walk round on their own!"  Actually, David they don't.  "They go out in groups with their friends."  I pointed out.  "And I don't have any friends."  "And why do you think that is?"  David muttered.  Um...because I was never able to go to school from that area, and never went to any other meetings/classes with people of my own age group?  I've met plenty of people online who like me...well, semi-like my letters when they don't hate them anyway!  Come on now, people, back me up!  You love me, don't you?  *Hopeful look*  Can you come on holiday to England and show these idiots I DO have friends, just not nearby?  *Offers delicious chocolate chip cookies*

Magically, the bitterness towards each other on the way home turned into "Well, we won't have to go and see the architect on Thursday now, since we have nothing to talk to him about, so we can go to the holiday show instead."  (Why do I get the feeling that didn't come as such a sudden thought to her? )

By the time we got home, Mum wasn't talking to me again.  (Second time in a week, isn't it?  Or third?)  I turned the computer on to cheer myself up.  Nothing better than finding someone to chat to on MSN when you're feeling lower than low and have no friends in real life, right?  WRONG.  I logged in, saw only Grace was semi-online, and she was "busy"  (Are you ever not busy any more, girl?!  *That's a Joking annoyed look, by the way! *), and went to "Appear Offline".  I was literally "Online" for about seven or eight seconds.  Within a few minutes, a "You have a new e-mail" message comes up in the corner of the screen.  The new e-mail comes from Jill, Mum's pony-finding family history e-pal.  (Remember her, and her "Downtown" comments, how I deleted her, then re-added her, but she never re-added me, it would appear...and so on?)  Anyhow, the message to me reads...

"HELLO!  What are yu up to?"

Er...mind your own business already?   Nah, don't worry.  I wouldn't be that rude to someone in reality...especially when she's been so kind!  I'm a little lost as to what to do though.  It worries me a little that she must be getting some kind of VIP access to my MSN account.  She has the upper-hand now, since I can't see when she's online, but she can obviously see when I am!   She's appearing on my non-instant messenger contacts list, but every so often the personal message/headline that one of my OTHER contacts has typed comes up next to HER name.  For instance, right now, Jill is apparently saying "Ya broke Santa?", even though I know that's the current headline of one of my best Myspace buddies!  (You know who you are! )  When you drag the cursor across her name though, it changes to "Lois, Becca, Suzy, are you there?" which was Jill's headline at the time I first deleted her.  There's something very odd about it all.  The best bit is that I only deleted her because I was embarrassed about her seeing that bloomin' Shane Meier avatar I've got and doing further trouble-making with my mum (who already believes my sister...heck, there are two kinds of hearts, you know.  Well, at least in my language.  There are the kind that mean that you appreciate someone - for being a good friend, or even [in this case] just because you appreciate their acting/singing/TV presenting/some other random quality of a "celebrity" you don't actually *know* all that well  and the kind that you use when you're in love/have a crush on someone.  Apparently, in my family, hearts only apply to the latter though.  Bleh.  I guess I have a crush on every other person [both male and female] I appreciate as a voice actor in a favourite cartoon too?!  Fools. ) and Jill will have seen that avatar by now anyway!  *Cringe*  Oh well, any suggestions from my computer expert friends on what might be going on will be greatly appreciated.   I still haven't written back to her yet, so advice needed sooner rather than later!

Since I couldn't chat on MSN, I started working on my Myspace (my other escape from reality) instead.  I'm really trying to work on the "My Life Story" part, and have already picked out quotes to head off each year (relating to an event that particularly stands out in said year) to find some pictures, and write the story.  I started off by finding some old pictures today, and trying to photograph them for my profile.  But far from cheering me up, I started getting really depressed and downhearted.  Things that seem like yesterday are suddenly FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!  It scares me how time moves so fast.  Everyone I love in the photos has since died (my grandparents, my pets...), seems to have turned against me (my parents), or I simply don't know so well anymore (My sister).  On the one hand, it's nice to bring back those happy memories of long ago, but I was sobbing by the time I'd finished uploading the first batch of them on Photobucket.  I hardly even remember Squeaky, my first guinea pig, and yet to look at the photo of me with her, it seems we could never be parted.  The thing is, even the girl in the photo looks familiar...but not someone I know any more.  And, though I feel shocked to say it, that's a much younger version of myself!  Wait just a moment!  I'm not using all the ones I pictured in my I'll show you some here too.  *Rushes off to get links*

January 26th 2008 - Me in 1994
Me with my rabbit, Hoppy, in September 1994.  He lived outside in the warmer weather back in those days, just coming indoors for the winters.  He seemed to prefer it that way.  When he got older, his hutch moved into the back room and he had the run of the house though, and would even dash all the way through the kitchen and into the living room whenever you called him!  And oh my goodness!  It was actually considered "cute" if I wore a dress in those days!

January 26th 2008 - Me in 1994
Me in April 1994 watching one of my favourite TV shows.  Yeah, I do, this one, but LOOK!  Ponies!!!  Thank goodness I kept my "childhood ponies" (In fact, I consider I started "seriously" collecting four and a half years after this photo was taken! ).  Baby Katie is in beautiful condition to this day!
And finally, the photo that really made me cry...

January 26th 2008 - Me in 1994
Yup, to all of you, it's just a funny-looking cross-eyed kid with a guinea pig sitting on its shoulder.  But what upsets me is the fact that I am that kid, and that guinea pig meant the WORLD to me.  I mean, SHE WAS MY WORLD!  She went everywhere with me.  She even came to the playground with me one day so that we could take her picture there! And yet, even in my mind's eye, I can't *Touch* Squeaky now, or hear the sounds she was named after, like all of my other pets.  In fact, she doesn't even look familiar to me in that photo, and it breaks my heart to admit that.  She had a heart attack one night over eleven years ago, so I guess I was pretty young...but still, I feel awful.

Oh, and the last bit of good news...while I was photographing these photos, Mum was online looking up the BBC News...  And there's a HUGE news story going on (top headline on the London news tonight!) concerning the park I mentioned earlier (In the *wonderful* area I want to move to in order to be safe).  Apparently, a 19-year-old boy was murdered there in the early hours of this morning ~ *Click link to read more*  Great, huh?  Mind you, listening to the loud drunken voices rowing right outside this house at the moment, something tells me this street could be a murder scene tomorrow too...

Anyhow, I must get off to bed.  Tomorrow I'm going to a fascinating family history fair, and I must try to get some sleep, otherwise I'll be "flouncing" and singing in order to keep myself awake again.   We have to be up in six hours as it is!

Speak to you all soon,
Desiree Skylark  xxx

Thursday, 24 January 2008

I Hate It. Full Stop.

Current mood:  miserable

I CAN'T LIVE HERE ANY MORE.  Honestly.  I mean I WILL exist here, I've no other choice.  But it's not my idea of fun.  AT ALL.
Last night should have been a happy ocassion, since we went to see "Billy Elliot" at the Victoria Theatre.  It was a brilliant show, with fantastic performances from all the cast.  It seemed a little strange that Billy was played by a black boy, but his parents were BOTH played by white people.   I really think they should have given that a little bit more thought, and perhaps have alternate parents (or at least one parent anyway) for the night that "Billy" performs.  All in all, it was a great show though, and for once our cheap tickets allowed us to sit in posh seats upstairs.  So beautifully performed that I had to struggle not to cry at times...VERY important not to cry since I had my typical washable black paint in place of mascara, as I always have on special occasions like theatre trips.  I'm just imagining what my parents would have said to me had they seen black streams of paint running down my cheeks.   I got a couple of recordings if anyone wants to hear.  *Giggles*  (Don't worry, Elisabeth, I haven't forgotten that I need to send you the POTO ones.  My computer just seems to really hate the ninth part for some reason! )
But when we got home, things went back to their miserable selves almost immediately.  David was supposed to have rung the architect, and Mum and I had to plot to catch him before he whizzed off to the house to sleep, in order to find out if he had done so or not.  So when he came running down the stairs and called "See you then!" we called him into the lounge.
It turned out he HAD rung the architect  (*Faint*) and Chris wants to see us and discuss things like lights and electrical points on Thursday January 31st. 
Now I know Mum's stressed about her money (It's got down even further these past couple of days), but that's really no excuse for her little outburst.
All David did was ask if we were free on the 31st, and she went mad, saying that he "doesn't care about her" since he "never remembers anything".  Apparently, we're going (Yep, it's news to me too, but I just get dragged everywhere my parents go, so this is often the case ) to a big show all about holidays on that day.  I looked on the calendar instinctively, and Mum went mad at me, saying  "That's it.  Check up on me!  You don't trust me, do you?"  Of course, by making the mistake of thinking Mum had forgotten a simple little fact and that I could calm things down a bit, I went ahead and made the argument a lot worse, didn't I?  I noticed that the show was on Thursday-Sunday inclusive.  I know Mum and Emma are going to see "Les Miserables" that Friday, but that still leaves a totally free weekend.  However, I am supposedly a "little b*tch" for pointing this out, because there's "a reason she wants to go on Thursday"...she just can't remember what said reason was yet!
Anyway, a full-blown row started up about how David "doesn't have any sense".  If he did, he'd have announced the architect's chosen date "in privacy, behind 'that thing's' [My] back".  (Even though he didn't know about her stupid holiday fair, and I hadn't said a word against going, and I am always in  the lounge, since I don't have another room to go to!)  But now she "can't go to the fair, because Desiree wants to move house (unlike everyone else) and will whine forever about how I set things back a few petty days".  Also, even if she does go on the Thursday, I'll apparently "ruin it for me by either staying at home or coming along and sulking as only she can!" am I ruining it for her by not even going?  Normally she wants me out of her way all of the time!   The argument went on like this for quite a while, with me ending up telling David I hoped he crashed the car on the way to the other house, putting Splodge away early, going off to bed and sobbing myself to sleep again, while Mum told me I was "only going to bed that only because I had nothing to do without my 'computer toy' switched on"  (It was my own choice not to switch the computer on last night, by the way)  I just had to go to bed early to get away from the ranting.
Mum apparently had an awful night, and ended up sleeping on the floor instead of the sofa because it was more comfortable.  She's been in a fowl mood with me all day, and only really started talking normally again this evening.
David and I went to Tesco tonight, but that's the furthest I got.  I spent the best part of the day recording MLP music from the tape recording I made (Oh, and I wasn't allowed to check through that to see if it worked either - I supposedly drive mum mad by "playing that dirge non-stop"...she has real music CDs to listen to.  Well, good for her.  Why doesn't she play them then?!  I'm not allowed out to buy my own "real music".  Sorry, mother.  But it's your own fault!) on to the digital camera, so now they're back on the computer, accompanied by my awful "scringing" (Screaming crossed with singing ).  I'm hoping to upload them somewhere soon.  Does anyone know of a website where you can make a playlist of your own music to embed on Myspace?  Kind of like Youtube but for Wav files?  If you do, PLEASE let me know.  It's for all of you in the long run ~ you know you want to hear me screaching "You're a Toot-toot-tootsie friend!" at the top of my voice really!  I've really hurt my foot standing up all day singing this rubbish!  I'm actually limping now!  Feel free to laugh at me.  I'm laughing at myself!
Ooh, one bit of good news!  David's passport finally came back today, and he's booked us on a day trip to Amsterdam at the end of March!  However, the coach company seems to be getting so little interest that they're actually considering cancelling the trip.  I hope they get more interest in the next couple of months.  I really want to be able to say I've left this horrible country, even if I do still have to put up with legs I'm not allowed to shave, and fattening clothes I'm not allowed to change.
Mum just told us how she definitely has throat cancer, because she can feel a "hard bit here"  (Imagine Mum running her hand up and down her neck).  Um...that IS your throat, mother!  Not a growth ON your throat.  She's finally realised that it's probably just a "displacement health worry" like she often has at stressful times like these.  Even then, she had to have a couple of nasty little jibes.  First of all, the fact that the last time she was stressed like this was when she was "JUST stuck in this house with a little kid and no park to take it to.  And really that was a SILLY thing to stress about compared to her money troubles!" and then the fact that I also have "displacement worries" in the form of "going on about my education and clothes".  Er...but those are my real worries.   Are you saying that my education shouldn't bother me?  What parent tells a child that?!  And how many 16-year-olds (Almost 17-year-old) could put up with not being allowed out on their own or to buy anything to wear other than fattening t-shirts and mucky grey stretch leggings...oh, and not be allowed to wear any make-up at all?  David's not chasing up the orthodontist either.  He says he's going to wait until my next dentist check-up appointment now (which isn't until APRIL!)  Remember they said they won't take patients on after their sixteenth birthday...the more time that passes the less chance they'll take me back anyway.  Maybe that's their plan, since they don't want me to have the treatment anyway.  Ugh.
Anyway, that's it.  I'm off to the communal bed again now.  I really don't want to be part of this world anymore.  But that's where I started off this blog, so I won't go back to that.  We watched the news and the whole programme seemed to be about teenagers binge drinking and commiting suicide.  WHY?!  They have freedom!  Go and do something with your lives, kids!  Don't waste them away, when you have the chance to do something better!  PLEASE!!!  It's just so depressing...
Oh, and I recorded "The Matthew Shepard Story"...but, just as I feared, you can hardly see or hear a thing.  Ick.  After all those years of waiting too.  Oh well, I guess it'll come around again.  Probably while I'm still living here with this awful TV aerial, the way this family move.  Bleh.
On that happy note, I really will leave you all to your own lives.  Hope they're a bit better that mine is right now.
Speak to you all soon!
Desiree Skylark  xxx

Oh Please! Not More Stress! Mum’s Really Ill As Well Now. :(

Current mood:  scared

Well, this morning there was some an exciting news!  Mum's money has gone up again!    Not as much as she's lost, but every little helps, huh?  Well, no.  Not when the total has increased by...
Wait for it...
It's super-duper...
Yeah. So lose £6000, and gain £1.  Brilliant, eh? 
Mum finally decided to go to the doctor about her persistant sore throat...  And now we have even more bad news.  Mum says the useless doctor listened to her chest and asked if she gets out of breath which, of course, she has been.  He then declared that she has "a slight heart murmur".  Mum asked what might be causing this.  "Well, what do YOU think?" the doctor apparently replied, with wide eyes.  Then he sent her down for an urgent blood test.  We'll be getting the results back tomorrow, hopefully.  Fingers crossed it's nothing too serious. 
Of course, now she really does have good reason to tell me I'm "selfish" every time I "go on at her about stupid things like my appearance".  I'm just so scared.  My life's going nowhere, and now both my parents are ill.  I need to get out!  I need to get out!  PLEASE!!!
Desiree Skylark  xxx