Monday, 29 September 2008

Mum Smashes a Wall

Current mood:  stressed
Oh dear, I really don't know where to start.  This weekend has been stressful to say the least.
Yesterday we went to Uxbridge, in search of the Lego set that my nephew wants for his birthday.  It was half price in Woolworths (£17.50), but still the three of us all had to chip in towards it.  Yes, I had to chip in towards THEIR present to my nephew, because I'm the only one who hasn't been spending like crazy on e-Bay.   That's where saving gets you in this household.  So much for spending it on normalities when we move house.
Mind you, it looks as though I have plenty of time to save up more money.
After LOVING the house on Friday, Mum decided she HATED it yesterday.  Weird, because nothing had changed at all.  The builders don't seem to do any work these days.
Picton walked in on us in order to close the windows and wipe down the next lot of fungus.  Yes, they're still just wiping it down.  I don't think they intend on doing anything to actually kill it.
He mysteriously had to rush off (again!) so he didn't have time to talk to us about the numerous new problems we've found.  There are far too many electric sockets in that house - there are TEN just in the extension.  Who could possible need ten electrical appliances running in one room at the same time?
Anyways, more to the point, let's move on to today.  The plan was to go to a family history show in Hampton, and then "save some more money" by going to Hampton Court Palace again.  Mum decided she had to go to Woodberry and take a look at the colours in the morning light first though, and things got a little out of hand.
It was the first time we'd been to Woodberry in the morning since the extension had been up, and we discovered just how dark it really is in there.  To cut a long story short, Mum went mad.  She can't see well enough in her family history room to do anything, and would "prefer to stay where I am and use Desiree's computer".  I'm sure you would.  She's broken a piece off of the bottom of my computer screen now (you know those little foam pieces that cover up the screws around the edge?), which annoyed me somewhat.  I know it's only decorative, but this was supposed to be my nice new computer for my first ever bedroom.  Not to mention she now says the wall between her family history room has got to be rebuilt, because the way they've built it there's no room for "her cuckoo clock" (which she's always said she wants there, even though she hasn't got one at present!)  God only knows how much all this will cost to fix, let alone how much time it will take.  *Sighs*
Anyways, I needed to get out of that place.  So I went right up into the loft and tried to sing "Part Of Your World" again, and I think it came out pretty well.  I haven't uploaded it yet, as I have a couple of recordings, both of which have good and bad points, and I really need to figure out which is the best.
Well, the second was definitely the best, but it kind of fades out at the end as I heard Mum crashing up the stairs to get her "handbag" (the transparent carrier bag with the blue mouldy handle - the expensive dog bag she got at Hampton Court is still "too good to use". )  Well, that's when things went crazy.  I followed her back down the stairs, where she tripped on one of the Wig Woman's colour cards.  This seemed to set off her rage, and she began stamping on it, shouting "WHO CARES?  I HATE THIS F***ING HOUSE!!!  I HATE F***ING PICTON!!!"
You know she'd already stamped on a couple of colour cards before?  Well, she started walking about the house picking them all up and tring to destroy them, while David and I looked on in dismay.  She tried to rip them - they were too tough.  She tried to scrunch them up - they were too thick.  So she made do with bending them and creasing them, and then jumping up and down.  Suddenly, Picton, his fake wife (the Wig Woman colourist) and his kids walked by the house.  Mum started trying to open the window - I thought just to shout at him, but she now says she intended on throwing the bent, muddy cards at him.  Fortunately, she couldn't get the windows open which only angered her more.  I did record all of this, but accidentally clicked the delete button, and started up a new recording.
I must warn you that this is an actual exert from our awful lives, and may not be suitable for minors or those of a sensitive nature, due to bad language and sudden noises!   Skylark Productions are proud to present "The Alder Family ~ Episode One: Mum Smashes A Wall" (PLEASE LISTEN if you can - it's hilarious!)

Unfortunately the recording is unavailable until I find somewhere else to upload it.  In the meantime, the transcript will have to do.

Oh, and just in case you can't understand a word we say, or simply don't know what's going on without a movie to accompany the audio, here's the transcript.
*Following Mum's colour card smashing in the loft, the three of us are marching down the 29 stairs to ground level*
Mum (Sobbing): ...everything is ruined.  Everything is ruined!  I don't understand diagrams, I've got nowhere for my clock...  I've got nowhere to do my family history!  *Gasps from the excursion of keep shouting non-stop*  I've got nowhere...  I can't manage all these stairs!*Mum whacks stair-rail with her mouldy "handbag"*
Mum (angrily): So many bl**dy stairs in this house!
*Mum bangs on the wall between the stairs and the neighbours house, seemingly for no reason...*
*She reaches the bottom of the stairs and turns into the family history room, then starts grabbing random things that the builders have left there and throwing them around!*
BANG!  There goes the sellotape!
BANG!  And yet another power socket!  Where was that one going, I wonder?
BANG!  There goes a...a METAL BUCKET full of plaster (which has dried up because the builders have left it there so long)?  Where did Mum get the strength to move that so quickly?
Mum: *Gasps from the effort of throwing all the stuff about*
*Mum knocks one of our expensive kitchen tiles that we've taken to help with figuring out colours on to the floor*
Mum: The tile's gone - good!
Oh God, she's got a HUGE spade...and she's hitting the troublesome wall...
*The plasterboard chips, and pieces scatter everywhere*
Me (angrily, trying to stop Mum hitting the wall with the spade): For Christ's sake, Woman!  You've just...scratched up the entire wall!
*Mum doesn't even seem to notice me call her "Woman" (which I deliberately did to try to turn her anger away from the wall)but turns around anyway, and starts hitting the wall next to me, while I lean out of the way of the swinging spade, and try to kick it out of her hand with my foot!*
Mum: Good!
*She dodges my foot, and hits herself in the knee with the spade*
Me (Talking about the spade): Look what you've gone and done...Mum: You can kick me in the knee (Um, is she talking to the spade or me?!)  I don't care!  The wall's coming down!  I'll take what's left of my seventy (the money she inherited from her dad) and I'll PAY!David: You're not paying for this! (Er...then who is paying? Certainly not Picton who messed it up!)
Mum: I AM PAYING!*Mum storms through the extension to the french windows and tries to open those - goodness knows what she intends on doing out there!  I cringe.*
David (noticing the smashed wall, and talking through clenched teeth): Look at it, look at it!
Mum (defiantly): I don't care!  They've smashed up enough - let me smash it up!
*Mum battles with the key to the back garden, then starts banging on the glass when she can't get out*
Mum (continuing defiantly): Let me smash it up, let me smash it up, let me...  (She's obviously determined this will be the line she's remembered for in years to come...)
David (sarcastically): And you think I'm going to move here with you?
Mum (Acting as though she couldn't hear him): What?
David (Sarcastically): After this little tantrum?Mum (back to defiant):  Let me have a tantrum!  I've been QUIET through my Edwardian tiles, QUIET through my fireplace, QUIET through a second lot of Edwardian tiles, QUIET through my picture rails, now this, my family history room that he said would be dark... (I think she meant light. )
David (trying to calm her down): The picture rails are going back...Mum: He didn't....  He wasn't going to put them back up!
*Both of them clomp around the extension in a line, gasping for breath, while I stand in the family history room watching them in despair*
David (calmly): But they're going back up.
*Mum realises she's reached a dead end with that argument, and stops to think what to say next.  Finally she starts screaching on a totally different subject*
Mum: WHY?!  I don't w...she'll hit me if I say it (She won't let this go, will she?  I know I was wrong to hit out at all, but it was only that once when my hormones were going wild, and she was spitefully talking rubbish about letting the house and staying in Grottsville forever!) but I don't want this as a family history room!  I want my cuckoo clock up there!David (defending Picton, as ever): Well, then pay attention when you walk around the house another week!Mum (defensively): Did you notice?
David: I didn't give a f...  (Oh, almost showed your true colours then, didn't you?)  I didn't know anything about that!Mum: HE KNEW!Me (Talking to David and sticking up for Mum): Well, you say that she never pays any attention.  Why didn't you pay attention to her?
*David has nothing to answer and just stares at me blankly*
Me (Continuing): Why do you ignore her every single thing that she says? (No, not exactly grammatical, but I was angry)
David (outright lying): Because every day she changes!
Mum (Back to sobbing): I don't change.  I always wanted a cuckoo clock there!  Always, always, always!
*Mum decides to make a big exit, but can't find her bags*
Mum: I don't know where this bag of so-called colours are.*She finds it, and starts shuffling her feet noisily up the hall*
Mum: Let's just go.
*She decides to make a point that she isn't going elsewhere*
Mum (Sulking): We've lost twenty pounds at Hampton Court.  Who the f*** cares?  I just don't want to go back in there.
*She crashes the front door open and starts talking total nonsense for a crowd of total strangers walking past*
Mum: I'm NOT coming back in here again.  I've had enough of it.  He's absolutely ruined the place!
*The group of passers-by look at her strangely, talking amongst themselves.*
Me (Sarcastically): I'm sure they really cared.Mum:
I don't care!
And all that in JUST THREE MINUTES!  Isn't my life exciting?!
Well, I guess that's about it.  She moaned all the way back to his house, and did get to her stupid family history fair (but not until she'd sulked for ages and it was only an hour before it ended).  There was nothing there for her anyway, and she was "bored".
I'm really stressed out over that little outburst today.  She's e-mailed Picton too, although she read it out to me, and it didn't sound too bad.  The best bit is that she's e-mailed him from DAVID'S e-mail account.  Oh well, maybe the architect won't be such good friends with my father now!
Now I'm off.  Although wait just a moment, and I'll give you a good giggle in a private blog...
See you in a moment!
Desiree   xxx

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