Friday, 7 November 2008

Remind me again of a purpose for men

Current mood:  silly
Specifically, men named David.
I could not sleep at all last night.  It's that miserable time of the month, and I'm particularly bad with dreadful pain, which kept waking me up.  And every time I woke up, I found Mum creeping closer and closer, moaning "I'm cold" and snoring loudly.
Eventually, I climbed over the top of her and limped to the bathroom.  No sooner had I got there than I hear David pacing up and down the stairs, shouting "For f***'s sake!  What the f*** is she doing in there?"  Like the bathroom is completely his during the night or something.  Then he started banging on the door with such force that I thought he was going to knock it down.  Of course, I rushed and went back to bed, thinking he needed to pee urgently like he often does in the night...only to see him pick up two Mills & Boon books, go in the bathroom and lock the door.  Of course, we don't even have a flushing loo downstairs now, and I was in no state to start lifting pots of water.  So I just sat up on the bed next to Mum, while she continued to snore, and waited for David to come out.  Two hours later (about 7.30), I finally got to go back in the bathroom...then slept in until 10am.
Obviously, I was not in the best of moods after all of that - but this was the day that David finally agreed to take us out.  Out where?  Why, Homebase, of course!  We wouldn't be going anywhere unless absolutely necessary, and we needed to look at light switch covers and electric sockets.
So we get to Homebase, and David sends us ahead to stand in the shop while he fills in a form to get a "Spend & Save" store discount card that he should have applied for a fortnight ago.
We went upstairs while we waited for him, to look at the bedroom and bathroom displays.  We found they had a much nicer (and cheaper!) Edwardian-style bathroom than the one we've got.  But of course, David couldn't be bothered to go to more than one bathroom showroom.
Suddenly, a strange dark-haired woman who I can only describe as looking like a 100-year-old witch appeared from nowhere, and began talking in what I can only guess was a Russian accent.
"Good afternoon.  Caan I helps you?"  Mum looked at me.  "Oh, no thank you.  We were just looking."  "Z-yust look-eeng, ey?" The woman glared at us.  "There eez more of ze bedrooms downstairs."  Mum thanked her and tried to make friendly conversation.  "This is a pretty pink, isn't it?" she said, pointing at the wall in one of the bedroom set-ups.  "I sayz there are more of ze bedrooms downstairs." The witch repeated angrily.  "We are conzession up 'ere!"
I still have no idea what that last comment was supposed to mean, but we didn't hang around to find out.  Luckily, David was finally coming into the shop by that time, ready to sort out the light switch plates and electric sockets.
Well, almost.
"Are there any customer loos here?" He asked Mum.  "I'm sorry, but I need a wee."  And he kept repeating himself until we told him we'd seen them at the entrance.  Then we had to wait LONGER for the argument to begin.  And my goodness, did we have an argument!
We've ended up with three different types of plates, one on each floor, just like the doorknobs.  It's really, really crazy.  But Mum "likes a change", don't you know?!
After that, we went to two garden centres looking for a small otter water feature which Mum worried had been discontinued.  We saw it at the first centre, and only went to the second one because David wasn't listening to us and drove into the car park even though we'd said we didn't want to go.  We lost him for about half an hour, and were left standing out in a cold car park after the centre shut (or at least after they stopped letting people in).  Apparently, he had gone to ask a member of staff about the otter water feature, and yes, it HAS been discontinued.  So we should have bought the one we saw at the first centre, as we most likely won't see it again.
Hence, it looks like we're going back tomorrow rather than me going shopping before Sunday, when we will be off to Gibraltar.  Blast my life.  All I want to do is be dropped off in Uxbridge, because I won't leave this house on my own.  Is even that too much trouble for David?!
This evening he finally took the washing to the launderette, including ALL of my comfortable trousers (they have to go in a seperate wash now that we know the dye runs).  Then Mum decided she wanted to go to Tesco, and since I won't stay in this dangerous area alone after dark, I had to walk around Tesco in the coat I was wearing the day David told me everyone was justified to laugh at my clothes, and a pair of really filthy, baggy trousers, which I have had to wear while sitting on the floor for the past three weeks.
Then I picked up a packet of Polo mints for Mum after we'd already started scanning stuff, put it on the conveyor belt, only for David to YELL at me in front of everyone in the shop and accuse me of trying to steal it.  WTH?!   That was when I realised it was the self-service checkout, meaning David had to scan everything beforeputting it on the conveyor belt.  But still, his outburst was a bit uncalled for, I think.
And just to top off the day, I knocked the wound on my thumb from where David attacked me yesterday on the shopping trolley, and set it off bleeding everywhere again.  Lovely.
So that was my fantastic day.  I know I already said it in the title...but is there really a reason why we put up with the male population?  I saw a big stone sign today which you are supposed to put in your garden, quoting Alphonse Toussenel ~ "The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs."  It was half price, and I seriously considered buying it...  But I have more important things to spend my money on than stones which state such obvious facts!
Best wishes,
Desiree Skylark  xxx

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