Thursday, 27 November 2008

Well, I've Had It!

Current mood:  sad
I was going to write a blog today on everything that's happened since Gibraltar, but I've lost heart again now.  Especially since I've had to make this blog private, meaning I'm now blocking all my non-Myspace readers again.
Basically, the endless talk between my Mum and Emma is getting more than tiresome now.  I don't know what my illiterate sister is on about half the time, and I KNOW I shouldn't be snooping, but it's the only way I know to stop writing when I do.
It appears Mum asked Emma about European sizes for a t-shirt she's thinking of buying me (a MLP one, of course.  She wouldn't think of clothes otherwise), and Emma's told her...
"Right you get 2 and a half centimetres to an inch - i have a top that is a size 16/18 UK but it says 46 Europe and was on a large hanger does that help? if in doubt i'd go for medium better to be a bit big than to small but knowing her she'll say your calling her fat! i always have liked things big - even when i was slim - she seems to like things tight not baggy!"..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
Emma NEVER wore things "baggy" when she was my age.  And I have the photographs in this house to prove it.   She's just trying to make out to my prudish mother that I'm going over the line or something.  And yes, Liz (I'll write back to you tomorrow - it's late, and I'm feeling agitated about all of this right now), I know my leggings don't suit the t-shirts, but that's because I can't get anyone to go shoe shopping with me, and I try to wear something of a similar colour in a desperate hope it'll look all right with the shoes. *Sighs*
Obviously, she's read my Gibraltar blog and has a bit of jealousy brewing that I'm going so many more places than she did or something.  I'd already figured that...and then it was confirmed.  Mum wrote to her on a different subject - in fact, I had told Mum what Elisabeth had said about my clothes, in a desperate hope she'd help me go shopping...instead she made some comment to Emma which I won't quote here for fear of upsetting you, Liz, but basically you've been added to the people they rant about - I guess because you've been nice to me.  She's basically saying you've made lots of rude comments about me where everyone can see so now I don't want Emma to look at my blog.  Weird - 'cause that's a perfect way to get Emma to look and then she'll see there are no rude comments.
"she (desiree) was going to link you over to her blog as it has the Gibraltar fire engine photo on there for allan"
All very true.  I was going to link her over, having promised Allan I'd show him the fire engine pictures (he says he's going to be a fireman when he grows up and is fire engine mad!)
And that gave Emma the perfect opening (Beware - mild bad language ahead)...
"Well don't tell her - but when she writes her blog - it comes up on my page on Facebook so either i read it or click to get rid mind you she worte so much i didn't bother and when she writes she gets on my tits - she's a tycial 17 year old but she says to much - not being horrid but it doesn't surprise me that she gets slagged off - she leaves herself wide open and she's so rude about you and |David - unless your related - you'd just think she was a bitch, not understand what she's really on about. It sounds as though i'm slagging her off when i'm not - really i'm not  i just see it from an outsiders view! plus i think she's lucky to get to go these places at her age i never did - i got stuck with a Mum who didn't want to know unless i was doing smehing she could worry about and slag me off to Gran about (that's how it seemed back then) a toddler oh and the step Dad from hell - she seems to get away with murder - she hasn't had to go to school or college _ you made me go to Uxbridge! or get a job _ David was kicking me out if i didn't go to College and if i got a job he wanted half of whatever i earned - i'd have never been aloud near the camera, mobile or computer!

I think i'm just defence of you - i know exactly where she's coming from - been there got the t-shirt but i hate the way she writes stuff for everyone to see!"
Right, first off...
I've only ever written four blogs on Facebook, mainly because a couple of my non-Myspace friends are over there, and I thought I could get my news to them that way.  So Emma can't have had that many news feeds on her page.
I know I wrote a lot about Gibraltar, but I LOVED it there, and I wanted to express that.  I felt so much happier while I was there than when I'm here in Grottsville, so I thought it was better to dwell on those days than my depressed days back here.
I didn't think I was particularly rude about my parents?  I mentioned Mum's fear on the plane, and how David had gone to the loo and stopped Mum getting a camel ride.  Is that being "So rude" about them?
So do I really sound like a bitch to you all then?  Just because I have dreams, they try to get me down and I use my blog as a way to let it all out?  I feel horrid now, like I've been un-necessarily rude about people, but I can't think that I was in those blogs.  Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned when I thought David had broken my finger?  I don't know...
Yes, I am INCREDIBLY lucky to be going all these places.  As I just mentioned, I loved Gibraltar and Morocco.  But wait a moment, Emma.
My Mum doesn't want to know unless I do something she can worry about.  Trouble is, in my case that isn't boozing and having hundreds of boyfriends like YOU did, it's going on a simple shopping trip so that I can do something as simple as shave my legs or wear mascara!  And now there's no Gran for her to slag me off...or for me to go and sponge off (And steal from!) like you did.  OK, so this is me as the bitch you describe.  But everything mentioned above is true.
Right, so I don't have a toddler sister.  But was I really that bad.  And, oh my God, "the stepdad from Hell"?  Who's being "so rude" about David now, eh?  Try having him as a father who doesn't even provide you with a bed, and living in a house where there's hardly any hot water, no flushing loo, no freeser, no washing machine, no TV, no light, and clutter, mess, filth and GRIME everywhere.  Like just today, I was sitting on the floor eating chips for dinner, and found a carpet beetle standing on my hand just as I was about to put a chip in my mouth.  No joke.  SHE didn't have to live with ANY of that.  She had her own ROOM (oh, but she never got to choose the colour of her carpet so she was FAR worse off than me, remember? ), and still went dashing to Grandma and Grandad.
I "get away with murder" by "not going to school or college".  You might have been happy to waste your life, but I actually WANT to go to college having not been to school.  All right, so you didn't want an education, but how would you have lived with NO contact with people of your own age (or any people at all apart from an older sister who quite clearly hates you and your parents) except through a computer screen, Emma?  At least I HAVE ambitions.  But I'll never get to Canada if I don't get an education...and fast.  Remember, I want specific drama classes too.  YOU could never pinpoint anything you wanted, so that's why YOU never got it.  When it comes to ME people just choose to "not understand".
I'd like a job, even if David did take half of what I earned.  Then even if I only earned £20.02 I'd have more money than I've got now.  But I am unable to go out and get a job, remember?!
And what's all this?  She wouldn't have been allowed round a digital camera, mobile phone, or computer?  Digital cameras weren't so commonplace back then, I DON'T have a mobile phone and never have had one (nobody to ring anyway), and I only have a computer because YOUR HUSBAND gave me one when I was 15, and David replaced it when it broke, because that way he can shut me up inside this house, because I "have contact with the outside world from my own living room".
Oh, and then for the punchline which I can translate for you here: "I'm defending you, dear Mummy.  Please love me more than Desiree and give me some more Christmas presents for my family!"  She makes me want to puke.  And what's this "Been there, got the t-shirt" slogan?  I'd like to see this t-shirt; I wonder, what does it say?  "I went through my teens in a terrible household, came out bitching about everyone else in the same or worse situations...  AND ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT!"?
Well, right now I am feeling very downhearted and sad.  I REALLY don't want to see my sister this weekend.  She's so two-faced, and will be all friendly and sweet to me, probably making the occasional snide remark about Mum behind her back, to which I ALWAYS try to DEFEND Mum. (Unlikem my mum, who will now join in with this conversation and happily moan about me for days, even though she can't be bothered to read my blogs...meaning she thinks all this nonsense Emma is talking is true.)
So... I have deleted EVERYTHING from Facebook, and made my Myspace private.  I don't think there's a way to make LJ private (at least not that I can see) so I shall not be posting there - for the time being, at least
I think I might just take a break from blogging full stop, and work on my singing and voice acting at every available chance instead.
I'll show them that I CAN be something more than "the blogging bitch of rude comments"...some day.  Where there's a will, there's a way! <3

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