Sunday, 14 March 2010

Waiting for my nails to dry...

Current mood:  sore

Well, I said it before but this time I mean it.  I am not buying make-up from Claire's EVER again.  It's cheap, and looks good once applied if applied properly, but there's definitely something faulty with their mascaras that the wands keep breaking, and their nail polish takes literally forever to dry.  I already smudged one nail, so I figure I'll write a blog (taking special care about how my fingers touch the keyboard, of course!) and maybe they'll be dry by the time I'm finished!  Like I said, maybe.

January 27th 2010

I didn't leave the house all day.  David went back to Sainsburys alone to buy another pair of the jeggings I had found the day before.  I have no idea why he wanted to go alone, but I guess I can't really complain as he paid for the trousers, and he didn't ask me to give him the money back.  I just wish I had more independence so that I didn't have to rely on him in order to leave this prison.

Mum and I would have gone for our daily walk around this horrible area, but she had a really bad knee.  We have no idea what started it off as she had been walking very fast the day before (in fact, I could hardly keep up with her as we crossed the canal bridge!), but almost as soon as we got back it started to ache when she twisted it a certain way.  I wonder if she had twisted it by sleeping on the floor and made it worse by walking.

I went in the front bedroom upstairs in search of some of Mum's financial papers that David had taken up there and not returned...  Then I opened a file and found a great stack of papers (over 50 pages), all dated between October 1998 and March 1999, filled with detailed lists of around 3000 women - actresses, musicians and models, as well as ordinary women who write in their filthy stories to nasty newspapers like the Sport... Ugh.  He'd listed all their names, birth dates and nationalities, made notes about them (specifically any information he could find about their first boyfriends, it seems, as well as all the details about the stories those 'ordinary women' submitted to the dirty newspapers), and - here's a new one on even Mum and I - written down estimated dress size and bra size.  Ew...  And all this at a time when he was staying late at "work" knowing that I, aged 7, never left the house and was having terrible panic attacks each evening from being cooped up all day every day.

Best of all, both Gillian Anderson and Laura Harris were on the list... I had predicted for years that he was 'following' those two, but he had always denied it. >.<  So now we know the real reason that he had such a fascination with taping 'Bleak House' a few years ago, and why he messed up my recording of My Little Pony Tales' "Roll Around the Clock" by making me rewind Bright Eyes's lines again and again, pretending that he was actually taking an interest in his daughter's My Little Pony videos.  That still annoys me, especially since he messed up all of Lancer's scenes too.

We didn't dare to confront him about it though, as we know it's always us who end up being punished by him not talking to us and leaving us locked up for days on end without any shopping.  Not sure that's any different to our normal lives though - my allergies are getting worse on a daily basis, and Mum now had a bad knee, but still David only wanted to watch the football.  How can he just switch off to the real world all the time?!

I wish I could get away from here - I feel like I just want to run and run forever and never look back.  Of course, that's totally impractical, but it would certainly clear my head!  I feel as though everything is hopeless now though; here I am, almost 19, still waiting for an education, still waiting for so much as a bed, and daydreaming my life away about things that are never going to happen.  How the heck did I think I could have ever made it as a voice actress or gone to live in Canada?  One thing's for sure - I'll never make it now that I have so much muck on my chest.  I don't even know how I'm going to go through the corrective surgery for my jaw while I'm still sleeping on the floor, or why I really want straight teeth when I'm never even likely to have a life of my own.

January 28th 2010

I went to the fascinating Tesco, and had to move David's dirty work trousers off of my car seat.  Why couldn't he have put them in the boot to start with?  It made me feel sick to have to move such an oil-covered garment when I had only just washed my hands!

I guess I should be grateful for the chance to leave the house at all, but even then it had to be at such a time that I didn't get a chance to write my blog. >.<

Mum and I spent most of the afternoon listening to the entire soundtrack to The Woman in White and reminding ourselves of the music from the first musical that I ever went to see on the West End back in 2006.  But even that depressed me, reminding me of the fact that I will probably never have the chance to even try to get into acting or singing professionally now.

My throat is so bad now that there's no point even attempting to sing.  In fact, I'm scared I'll do some kind of permanent damage battling to get my words out through all this muck.

January 29th 2010

I didn't leave the house again - wow, isn't this a wonderfully cheerful blog entry?!

Mum was still suffering with her bad knee - her latest batch of birth, marriage and death certificates arrived, and she was upset that "nobody showed any interest".  I am interested, honestly, but there's so much to worry about in the present day that I can't really set my mind to the past and family history.

David knows that my allergies and Mum's knee are obviously getting worse, but he doesn't want to discuss anything.  He finally agreed to go through Mum's order from Dibor with her, then dashed off to the loo to avoid talking on any other subject again.

He announced that he was trying to get a job in Harrow, as "not only does it have better wages and more sensible hours, but it's also slightly nearer"!  Really?  Because Harrow is in the OPPOSITE DIRECTION to Woodberry.  Something tells me that David has no intention of ever leaving Grottsville...

He let me borrow his new computer to watch the first disk from my Call of the Wild box set.  It seems that the US release of the first movie was not edited after all...  and the 'Foxfire' DVD was actually the episodes 'The Arrival' and 'Foxfire' cut together without their credits and title songs.  I've no idea why they decided to skip over the third episode, 'The Attack', though.  That might be why the US release of 'Foxfire' seemed so strange, considering part of the series had been cut out between the two DVDs.

I'm not usually one for TV shows that share their name with classic old books but don't really have anything to do with said books, but I'd definitely make an exception for this series.  And not just because Shane Meier played the lead role, although I guess I may be slightly biased because of this!  If you can push aside the fact that this is supposed to be an adaptation of 'Call of the Wild', and see it as an independent story, the show has a great plot.  Put that together with the sterling performances from most of the human cast (I'm personally not keen on Crystal Bublé as Emma, as I think she was doing some serious overacting at times, especially later in the series... but that's just me) and the FANTASTIC canine Kavic (or should I say Buck), and you have a great show on your hands.  I'd definitely recommend it to anyone (there's plenty on e-Bay - what are you waiting for, guys?! ).  So sad that it got cancelled after just one series.

I found a news story online that Animal Planet had renewed it for a second season, but I guess they never went through with it... I wonder what happened?

Well, my nails are well and truly dry now, and I have an awful toothache where my third wisdom tooth is attempting to push through without much success.  So I think I will go and try to get some sleep before this pain gets any worse.  I'm also stressed out because both Mum and I have to see the doctor tomorrow (knees and allergies...), and I'm really scared what the stupid woman will say to us both.  That particular doctor seems to delight in needlessly scaring everyone to death!  Wish us luck!

Best wishes,
Desirée  xxx

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