Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Feeling so lonely tonight...

I don't know if anyone else out there is feeling bored and lonely enough to read this blog entry, but I was certainly feeling bored and lonely enough to write it!

March 13th 2011

My allergies were returning, despite me spending most of my life doing housework.  The house was just too big for one person to keep clean though, especially when I had to work around so much clutter.  I had found and killed three small brown beetles within 24 hours and was getting a little concerned about where they were coming from and whether we would soon be infested.

Emma finally made a re-appearance, although she chose to write as Gabriella, thanking Mum for the gift card which David had put through their door the previous night.  A Facebook friend request also arrived from Allan (funny, considering Allan was only 9 years old and would have been at school at the time the request was sent!)  Oh well, it was good that she was back in touch, even if she was posing as two of her children!

We went to Home Sense where we finally found a mug tree that hadn't been damaged on the shelf, and got a spare sheet for Mum's bed (as she had fallen in love with the "dusky pink" colour of the Home Sense one). They didn't have any nice throws to be used on Mum's (sofa)bed during the day though.

After that, we headed back to Woodberry and Steph visited for three hours.  I was highly embarrassed as the house still wasn't really ready for visitors - we had no proper food in the house so, after I met her at the station, we had to go in Sainsburys where she bought a mini picnic for herself...and for me.  Wow, I'm a great hostess, I even get the guests buying food for both of us!  She asked if we had bananas which was one thing I thought we did have, but when I went to look, I discovered they were all quite brown and horrible! >.<

She stayed for three hours and it was nice to have chat to somebody normal for once.  I swear my parents and their endless shouting has driven me to semi-insanity!

After the "tiring social intercourse" (as Mum likes to calls chatting!), I probably should have had an early night.  Instead I was up until 2am again, using the Smooth Skin System and watching Intelligence!

March 14th 2011

The balance was paid for our holiday.  Yes, it seemed it was really going to happen this time... I still wouldn't dare to believe it until we were safely on the plane, but my hopes were rising that I really would be setting foot on American land for the first time in just two short months.

Mum had added "Allan" on Facebook, despite neither of us really agreeing with such a young child being a member on the site (and having his photos posted on there!)  Mostly, "he" seemed to spend "his" time writing nice things about Emma and Nick and playing Farmville with them...during school hours when there was no way Allan could have even been online! >.<

I wrote up my latest e-Bay accounts - I'd made £122.00 all together this time, which was a record for me.  Still nowhere near enough for all the upcoming expenses of orthodontic treatment/education, but every little helps, as the Tesco adverts would say!

I was still listening through my old cassette tapes and stumbled across my Budgie the Little Helicopter one.  I'm surprised the tape even survived this long as I played it ALL the time when I was little.  The songs took me right back down memory lane.  I was listening to Chuck's voice and realised he didn't sound like I remembered...  This set me off Googling the Budgie voice actors and I discovered that Chuck's voice was played by a different actor in the cassette to on TV.  You mean there was a time when I actually got so caught up in the magic of that being "CHUCK'S VOICE" that I didn't realise he actually had two different voices (which didn't even sound that much alike)?  *Gasp*  But that means I was once just as deaf as the people I now criticise for not picking up when Barbie's voice was changed!  How can this be?! :P

We went to Brentford McDonalds for yet more Wispa McFlurries that evening, and I got scared by the hoodies who seem to like to gather in the car park.  This resulted in me snapping at Mum for her being a slow eater (meaning we couldn't drive away from the "dangerous" youths) and her getting upset.

I was already extremely stressed soI guess that's what made me snap.  But, as Mum kindly pointed out to me (stressing me further in the process), "You ARE losing all your hair...and it's all due to carrying on like this!"  I wish she'd just realise that I didn't CHOOSE to be stressed or depressed.  I just didn't know how to change things.

I was very tired.  Well, surprise surprise!  Perhaps I should have tried going to bed a little earlier!  Instead, of that, I was so disturbed that I ended up sitting up until 1.40am once again.

March 15th 2011

Mum had to go and see the dental hygienist so David dropped us in Ealing Broadway an hour beforehand, giving us time to walk around some of the shops as we didn't think Mum would feel up to it afterwards.  We used the time to do such fascinating things as buying breakfast cereal and padded envelopes in Poundland, Nivea moisturiser and Soap & Glory Hand Food (on a 3 for 2 offer) in Boots and paying in a premium bond.

As it happened, the hygienist didn't hurt Mum a bit, but we still got very tired walking back.  And both of us got extremely disturbed by a vicious-looking boxer who seemingly kept quietly stalking us.  Don't get me wrong, I like dogs, but when a dog is off the lead and keeps snarling at you while the owner takes no notice whatsoever, I do get a little concerned!

I kept getting strange pains in my chest, which I had presumed to be indigestion but which Mum was trying to convince me was a heart attack!  I did wonder if it was my allergies as they were obviously returning and I couldn't breathe properly.

My clothes were bothering me again too.  I HATED wearing leggings.  They were too tight and showed off too much of my figure.  I hated my fat thighs anyway, but even if I was the slimmest girl in the world, I personally think tight leggings look horrible on anyone.  Now I had a hole in the knee of the latest pair and Mum was encouraging me to buy yet more of the dreaded things.  After all, I "couldn't wear anything else now as they would feel too loose".  My same old shoes were rubbing blisters on my feet as well, but I just couldn't find anything else.  I think half the problem was that I'd been in the same styles (that Mum had chosen for me) for so long, I didn't even know what I liked myself anymore.

I returned to another nice little surprise.  I'd received my first neutral feedback on e-Bay.  No message from the buyer to explain WHY she left a neutral, it was just there.  "Speedy delivery. Many thanks. Description not exactly clear. But good item."

The item in question was Diamond the Keypers Horse.  I was confused.  I'd made it clear that she was an old toy and in nowhere near mint condition.  I'd given what I considered a detailed description of her flaws, saying that her saddle blanket had discoloured and there were several rubs and scratches to her paintwork.  I'd stated that she came with no accessories.  So what had I done wrong?  I wrote to the buyer and asked what was wrong with the item.  Several days later she replied:

"Hi. Diamond arrived fine, however, your 'without accessories' description was my issue. I accepted that as no bridle, brush or finder. However, I did not consider the key to be an accessory as it is paramount to the main function of the item itself. So obviously we got a little lost in translation, but it may prove helpful to be clearer on any future items. Many thanks for the concern. I am trying to find a key for diamond now so that my daughter can use it.
Kindest regards
Kat"

What the...?  There was no key shown in the photograph.  The auction was for a vintage horse toy with "no accessories".  How can you be clearer than that?  Should I start listing the individual accessories and stating "No Finder, bridle, brush or key"?  Then some clever clogs would probably come along and say "Ooh...but I thought you'd include some pretty trinkets to replace the original accessories!".  I guess you can just never please some people!

In the evening, we went to Tesco where the horrible old man who works in the car park was quite blatantly staring at all the young women who passed by.  He made me feel thoroughly sick and put me in a terrible mood.  I ended up having an argument with David, and stomped moodily back to the car.  My flouncing was stopped in its stride when I reached the 'exit' gate and it wouldn't open.  The security guard came and told me to push it, at which point all the alarms went off!  Highly embarrassing, and I felt a bit silly smiling and thanking him before continuing on my moody walk back to the car!

March 16th 2011

We were spending the day at Grottsville, so I was awoken at 6am in order to get ready.  Even so, I didn't have time to eat breakfast or to have a proper wash before we had to leave.  I was so overtired that I ended up sleeping on an armchair in the lounge at Grottsville until 10am (!) before I could start on any clearing up work at all.

Mum went to see the doctor at 11am, who told her she should have an endoscopy (swallow a camera) to check that there's nothing seriously wrong with her stomach, but Mum refused to be referred for the test.  However, she came back even more convinced that she had cancer and that was the only reason they were even suggesting such a test.  They weighed her and discovered that she had lost 7lbs.  This was quite obviously another sign that she was fading away.  I pointed out that she had been doing a lot more exercise since we moved house (she was even walking up and down the stairs a lot more than she ever had done in Grottsville, without even factoring in all the long walks to West Ealing, Ealing Broadway and Sparkle Dental Boutique we'd been doing recently).  To prove a point, I weighed myself and discovered that I was down to 114lbs, meaning I had also lost about half a stone since we moved house!  Oh my, perhaps we were both dying of cancer!  I was quite pleasantly surprised at my weight loss actually, but I looked no slimmer for it!

With all the stress, we didn't get much done towards clearing up at Grottsville.  I photographed my Chestnut Ridge horses collection to sell, but that was about it.  David didn't come to collect us until 7.30pm, by which time my allergies were back with a vengeance and I was severely dehydrated.  I'd also had a lot of time to dwell on the various causes of my stress/depression, and my hair was feeling thinner than ever...

March 17th 2011

I was still feeling very down and Mum continued to scare me to death by saying she was dying of stomach cancer.  She said I'd be sorry when she was gone and I looked back at "how mean I'd been to her"

Apparently, it was still okay for her to be mean to me though!  She decided to verbally attack me about my e-friends over dinner again.  I swear she'd be happier if I had nobody in my life at all.  But don't worry, my "friends were little more than imaginative anyway" as I'd never met some of them and very rarely see the others.  Well, I realise that.  But, as I have nobody in "real life", my e-friends are all I have.  I should drop my dreams of moving to Vancouver too.  Surely "even I could never call someone I'd never been home"?  Uh, but isn't the whole point that I WILL have been there (and still be there!) by the time I'm calling the place home?!  I pointed out that I would have already been there if she'd let me take up the offer from the friend who kept asking us to go and stay with him for a couple of weeks.  This angered her further.  "You'd have to get a job - you couldn't just expect him to keep you!"  Uh...what?  We're talking about a two or three week holiday which the friend in question was happy to offer.  How would I get a job during such a short period of time, and how would he be "keeping me"?  I pointed this out to her, but she continued along the line of me expecting this "old man" (who is a few years older than me) to take me in and pay my way long term.  I couldn't even MOVE over there long term, otherwise I'd be long gone!  Silly woman.  As her final cutting remark, she told me to "be aware that if I only talk to older people, they will DIE".  Thank you for being so cheerful, Mum.  I can't help the fact that I am usually attracted to older people both as friends or more than friends.  We will all die eventually anyway and there's no way of knowing when any of us will leave this world.  I mean, there's nothing to say that a guy 13 or 14 years older than me should pass a long time before me.  A lot of things are genetic, after all.  Say the guy's grandparents passed at ages 95, 90, 87 and 76 (giving us an average of 87), while I had only one grandparent make it to her early 80s and one die in his late 40s, giving us an average of around 71.  Following that theory, my time could be up a couple of years before the guy in question anyway!  Of course, there's an equal chance of him walking under a bus tomorrow and me living to be 110.  But you could say that about ANY person of ANY age.  Mum's thinking is crazy sometimes.

Oh, and all those figures were totally invented off the top of my head, of course!  I don't even know the ages of my dad's parents at the time of their passing to be honest, just that his dad (my grandad) died of cancer at a relatively young age.

Back to the story in question, I ended up gulping my dinner so that I could get away from her...not a good idea, when you consider the indigestion pains I had been getting recently anyway!

My tiredness was getting overwhelming and I had a dreadful headache, but I still managed to get to Tesco that night and actually felt a lot better for a bit of fresh air.

March 18th 2011

I didn't leave the house all day.  I had intended to go for a walk but it rained all day long, and David didn't come home until 11pm so there was no chance of going out in the car either.

The replacement for the latest Laura Ashley window pane cabinet was delivered.  This one was undamaged so was put in the front room upstairs.  Mum couldn't decide what to put in it though.  Crikey, with cabinets that size, a normal person would be able to fit every ornament they owned inside!  And then she dares to call ME a hoarder?!

Not a lot happened that day.  I had a bath and got too scared to rinse my hair (we still didn't have a shower attachment for the taps, so I had to use cups of water to rinse it), so I ended up doing so in the basin...soaking EVERYTHING in the process! >.<


And that's pretty much it for another six boring days of my life.  Sorry it got a little rushed towards the end again - it's late and I'm feeling too downhearted to write much at the moment anyway.  Thanks for reading though and please tune in tomorrow when I hope to get another (more interesting) entry written!

Best wishes,
Desirée  xxx

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