Friday, 17 August 2012

Leering Little Boys, Unreliable Workmen and Confidence Shattering Comments!

More catch up blogging from Desirée's flying fingers!

April 5th 2011

I didn't leave the house again.  This was mostly my own fault as I had sunk into a deep depression for no real reason.  I did intend to walk to the three charity shops around the corner but I just couldn't face any more horrible young men leering at me.  I hate feeling their eyes on me at the best of times, but especially when my self confidence is at a low.  I had convinced myself that my hair was making a slight improvement since it had been trimmed but suddenly it was feeling awful again (as Mum kept enforcing by reminding me how it was "falling out in combfulls" and "looked very thin indeed").  I was also feeling horribly fat and ugly.  I made a comment to Mum about how I needed to start exercising daily.  Her answer was to puff and blow in an exasperated manner, and to complain about how "nothing would ever get done".  In other words, I couldn't waste time trying to get fit as I still had all of her photographs to scan and heirlooms to photograph!  In fact, it's near impossible to do anything for myself while I'm still living with my parents.  Every time I so much as mentioned dieting, Mum would raise the subject of some sort of junk food.  Being depressed, my resistance was low and I would eat the food, then I felt even worse!  That day I consumed an iced bun...Mum then tried to get me to have a bowl of ice cream but I somehow found the strength to decline!

I'm not sure why Mum wanted to eat ice cream anyway.  She claimed to feel ill and kept drinking gallons of Milk Of Magnesia (well, not literally, of course, but it seemed that way!)  I felt sure it was caused by stress but she was still trying to convince herself that she had stomach cancer.

Having cleared the hall so that the lino could be fixed, the bloke from Carpet Right didn't turn up and wouldn't even answer his phone.  Is the whole of England filled with useless, lazy workmen, or are we just really unlucky?

David was suffering with terrible breathing problems, presumably a similar allergy to mine, due to him still sleeping on the bathroom floor at Grottsville.  He rang the doctor who told him to go and see them immediately but they didn't offer him any real explanation as to the cause and just randomly told him to stay on his blood pressure medication as his BP was quite low for once!  Uh...why would he have stopped taking it without discussing it with them first?!

April 6th 2011

The Carpet Right guy had left an answerphone message for David late the previous night to apologise for not coming and say that he could come the following day instead.  Hence, there was a lot of stress that morning when we overslept and thought we wouldn't be ready for him in time.  Mum snapped at me that she had been calling me since 7am (it was now 8am), but then slipped up and admitted that she herself hadn't awoken until 7.30!  We needn't have worried as it happened.  We waited around for him ALL DAY LONG but he didn't turn up and didn't even have the common decency to tell us what was going on.  He eventually texted at 4pm to say that he had "got lost" and wouldn't be coming.  Well, he must have got VERY lost if he couldn't even find his phone to call us earlier on, that's all I can say!

It was just as well really though, as Argos delivered the cabinets we had ordered (again, without prior notice that they had changed the agreed delivery date!) so the guy wouldn't have been able to get to the hall lino anyway.  The delivery man was quite rude, looking the dirty, unpainted front door up and down and snobbily stating how he had "expected to find a builder here".  With no builder to be found, he asked Mum to help him carry the heavy boxes into the hall...knocking her glasses on the floor in the process!  Luckily they didn't break, but the rude man didn't even apologise.  Really, what is this world coming to?

Mum and I went for a walk in Lammas Park at 4pm but it was quite unpleasant to go walking so late in the day - it was hot for the time of year and the park was full of noisy children which meant there wasn't much wildlife to be seen.  I did manage to bring a pea weevil all the way home with me on my t-shirt though, so I guess I did get to see some wildlife on our walk!  There was more to be seen in our own back garden to be honest though.  So many butterflies!  It was lovely after all the years in Grottsville where we couldn't even see the garden from the front room where we sat all day long.  However, Woodberry's garden was becoming just as much of a mess as the one at Grottsville, riddled with weeds which Mum wouldn't let me touch as they were attracting the wildlife.  Yes, but what's the point of attracting the wildlife if you can't even see it for all the weeds in your garden, Mum? >.<

We went to McDonalds that evening  for a Creme Egg McFlurry - I struggled to eat mine due to a severe toothache in my front bottom teeth (yes, those braces were still causing problems!)  David complained that his ice cream was smaller than usual.  Well, considering he was suppoed to be on a diet, I'm not sure why he was complaining!  He'd gone for a walk in Boston Manor Park during his lunch break apparently and hadn't been able to breathe.

He was in a crotchety mood all round really.  He'd "thought that Grottsville would be empty by now""Who did you think would empty it?  The fairies?" Mum retorted.  I couldn't have said it better myself.  It wasn't like David was taking us to Grottsville very often to clear the house as he had promised to do after we move house so how did he expect it to be emptied?

April 7th 2011

I got up at 8am - early for my standards!  I only managed it by setting the alarm and putting the clock on the other side of the room so that I couldn't hit the snooze button though!  Perhaps I had finally discovered a way to force myself out of bed!

Mum was in a bad mood for most of the day, which was worsened by my ongoing depression.  You couldn't really blame me for being depressed though.  After all the toothache I had endured, the wire had popped out of my braces the previous night.  Did that mean that my treatment would be set back again?  I also discovered that Hotmail had blocked me from my own e-mail account due to somebody hacking my account and sending a lot of spam e-mails the previous night.  Better yet, my alternate e-mail address was my Lycos one.  Well, Lycos aren't even in business anymore, so I couldn't use it, of course!  I did eventually manage to get my account back but it was quite stressful at the time.

Apparently Mum had changed her clothes to go for a walk in the park and I didn't notice due to all the stress with trying to get my Hotmail account back.  Well, she could have just told me that she was ready to go, couldn't she?

We walked all the way to Boston Manor Park to meet David in his lunch break.  It was a beautiful sunny day (but not as hot as the previous day, thank goodness!) and we saw some unusual, very pretty ducks on the pond.

(I'm still not sure what they were, to be honest, and I'm too tired to research them now!  If anybody wants to shed some light on the manner and tell me what an idiot I am for not knowing off the top of my head, I would be very grateful!)

It would have been a very nice stroll but my self confidence issues struck again when a nasty little boy of around my own age began staring at my chest as though he couldn't see that it was part of a real person!  I shouted at him (which finally made him take his filthy little eyes off of me, I'm pleased to say) and embarrassed my parents.  Then I went into a severe panic attack and couldn't even walk with David back to the other side of the park as planned.  Mum felt sorry for him for walking all that way to meet us and I began to cry and couldn't stop for the rest of the day.  I just hated these little boys leering at me, especially when I was so self conscious about my hair...rather silly considering they never even seem to notice the person behind the particular areas they stare at.  But Mum shouted at me that it was "my own fault for wearing tight 12-year-olds' t-shirts".  Well, excuse me, but my t-shirt fitted perfectly - maybe a little shorter than some of my t-shirts but it covered everything and wasn't tight at all.  Surely wearing an innocent child's t-shirt with a cute kitten on the front is less of an invitation to these staring creeps than a low cut tank top with a raunchy slogan on the front as most women my age seem to wear?!

She continued to rant at me all day long.  "Emma was right - I'd never be happy."  Not while I was in England, no.  But I do believe with time far away from this crazy place, I would heal and become a normal person.  "Even if she and David paid for me to get education, I wouldn't go unless they found me an all women's institution."  Who asked them to pay for my education?  And of course I would go if I had to in order to better myself.  I'm not going to deny it, I'd hate every moment of being in the same building to a large quantity of young boys, but I wouldn't let them and their roving eyes stop me if I wanted to do something badly enough!  She kept picking on me all day long, ranting that she "knows nothing about clothes or hair or relationships with Canadian lunatics"!  Yeah, I thought that one was a bit weird too...  She was feeling ill though so that gave her the right to utter whatever strange things came into her head apparently!  We were all stressed and feeling ill and there were only six weeks to go before our holiday to the USA.  And I had so much to do beforehand.  Was it any wonder I felt under the weather?

I couldn't really look forward to another holiday with my parents anyway.  "They can kick us off the bus if you don't behave yourself and cause a disturbance," Mum said.  "You should know that."  It hurts when she talks to me as though I am a naughty toddler or puppy rather than a severely depressed adult.  Why would I have any reason to "not behave myself" in America?  For the first time ever, I would be setting foot on what I considered to be my home continent.  I expected to be happier than I had ever been before.  No depression, no "disturbances", right?  Now she was starting to make me doubt myself.  Still, only time would tell, I guess...

And that's it for tonight.  Gosh, why is this taking me so long?!  Perhaps if I stopped rambling on such boring topics, we'd reach something a little more interesting!  Thanks for remaining my loyal readers, through both the good and the bad entries!

Best wishes,
Desirée  xxx

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