Monday, 16 February 2015

Kiss Today Goodbye, The Sweetness And The Sorrow...

"Wish me luck, the same to you...  But I can't regret what I did for love...  What I did for love..."

I learnt today that I'm supposed to be singing this in a showcase next month, and my eyes were anything BUT dry, as I'm sure those in the class around me will testify!  I guess the biggest regrets in life are what you didn't do for love.  The "maybes" and the "what ifs".  You can't regret trying your best, but it's hard to forget when you let something or someone so important to you slip through your fingers without even trying to see if things might work out.

The day after another lonely Valentine's Day, hearing a song that once meant so much and has such poignant lyrics was like a dagger to the heart.  I have no idea how I'll get through singing it in front of an audience without sobbing out loud!

November 11th 2011

I didn't leave the house all day.  Instead, I stressed about my hair loss again.  I think this proves that my distress worsened when I had nothing else to think about.

Mum had now decided that she was a qualified doctor and diagnosed me as having PCOS.  Well, her friend's daughter had that and one of the symptoms is hair loss.  She decided to use this as another entrance into her lecture on not sticking with one man for life.  "It would be nice to have the option to have kids as you'll change your mind when you're thirty," she said.  I found this to be a bit strange coming from somebody who has always been so anti-kids and "wasting your life on children"! Anyway, I pointed out that I wouldn't need to change my mind because I'd always wanted children, unlike her.  However, I couldn't possibly imagine having children with anyone other than the man I had fallen in love with, and he had told me that there was a chance that he couldn't have children.  Anyway, I feared he would find someone else before my braces were removed and I was free to go to Canada to be with him.  Mum looked horrified when I said I wanted to have children (apparently this came as a total surprise to her?) but all she said was that it would be "sad to give up my life because of one person".  Oh, here we go again.  Considering she'd previously complained about said man "selfishly wanting children and being happy to waste my life on raising them", I don't know what her problem was!  I guess she just really hated the man, whatever he did.  I calmly reiterated that it would not be "giving up on life" to not have children with somebody I didn't care for (i.e. anybody other than the man I had given my heart to), nor would it be fair to bring other people into the world if I was not entirely dedicated to remaining with their father at the time of their birth.  "I can understand you, but that doesn't mean I have to agree," she sighed.  For God's sake, what was the sudden obsession with me having kids, no matter if I was with the man I loved or not?!  She's always HATED kids!

I spent much of the afternoon photographing Mum's "valuables" (most of which only had sentimental value anyway!).  She wanted a photographic record in case the house burnt down or she was burgled etc.  I also photographed the rest of the My Beautiful Horses collection as I continued to try and cram them all into one crate.

We wrapped Allan's presents and I scanned the picture I'd drawn in Allan's card, discovering more unsavoury photographs on David's computer in the process.  We complained about it to him and he punished us by not talking to us.  Well, I don't think it's very nice when your own father is saving pictures of women wearing gags and even nasty childbirth pictures.  There's something seriously twisted in his brain.

Oh well, at least he'd already taken Mum's Chartbusters game to the local tube station where the buyer came to collect it.  He refused to accept change of £52 and seemed very happy to take a trip down memory lane and have his old game back.  Nice to have a happy customer for once!

November 12th 2011

Mum had fallen asleep by 8pm the previous night and I had slowly gone mad sitting in the dark all on my own.  My hair had started to bother me increasingly as time went on so I ended up spraying it with dry hair shampoo which I had vowed never to do again.  Then I spent the rest of the evening writing emails and desperately trying to keep calm.

I hadn't managed to get the last of my eBay parcels packed up though so had to do it in the morning instead.  This gave David a chance to go to sleep on the extension floor and snore loudly, before getting up and going to the loo until noon.  Then he announced he was going to work at 2.30pm so any jobs or going out that we wanted to do would have to be out of the way before then!

We went to Grottsville first.  David posted the parcels at the post office across the road while we tried to do a tiny bit of clearing up.  There was no time to get anything done really anyway.  It was the first time in a while that I had been to Grottsville in the daylight and I happened to go in the back room and notice the back garden.  That is, what USED to be our back garden... o_0

Uh...hello?  Garden path?  Patio?  Pond?  GARAGE?  Are you even still out there?!

Seriously, this is how David neglects any property in which he lives.  No wonder the cracks in the back room's walls were getting bigger.  The roots of all this wilderness were tunneling underneath our old house and basically uprooting the old extension!  It might explain how the rats were getting inside as well with all those cracks and gaps underneath the flooring.  But of course, David never had time to sort out his own housing because he was always at work doing unpaid overtime to help them out!

We went to Harrow after that in search of a nightie and the Christmas gifts we were looking for in ELC.  No luck.  "I don't know what's in the other shopping centre..." David pondered, before realising the time, turning round and dashing back to the car.  I guess we'll never know what was in the other centre.  Once again, work came before us.

I had another spell of dizziness and feeling as though I might pass out in the car.  I figured stress was the most likely cause but it was happening all too often now.

Emma was in a foul mood with my mum for reasons best known to herself.  She'd had yet another warning that, if she couldn't pay her bills, her house was going to be repossessed.  Mum made the mistake of commenting on my hair, probably asking if Emma had heard from that hairdressing friend again, and Emma went crazy, saying that Mum cared more about my hair than she did about Emma potentially being split away from her children... That's my family for you!

I watched another episode of Friendship is Magic but it just wasn't my cup of tea.  People had said that Tabitha St. Germain was the voice of Zecora but that clearly wasn't the case, the Cutie Mark Crusaders got on my nerves and the jokes weren't even funny.  I thought it was a very average cartoon at best, and extremely dull at worst.  Still the brony fandom were uploading video broadcasts to Youtube in which they told Lauren Faust why they loved her so much.  Maybe I was missing something, or maybe I was just such a miserable old so-and-so that nothing made me laugh any more.

November 13th 2011

Mum allowed me to oversleep again.  Her excuse today was that "David wasn't up yet" - not sure what that had to do with me but still!  Anyway, I didn't have time to eat breakfast before we headed to Sunbury to see my nieces and nephew marching in the annual Remembrance Day Parade.

It was lovely to see them, although the common, dull voice of the announcer drove me mad during the wreath laying. I was freezing cold, insisting on wearing a summer dress, thinking that it covered how fat I had become!  I also refused to wear a coat over the top as I was convinced the added layer made my hair spread out and look thinner where it hung down my back!  It's a wonder that I didn't catch pneumonia!

I had to push Matthew's pushchair back to base after the ceremony, which warmed me up a little.  The kids dug down Mum's bag and took every biscuit from her emergency supply (I notice she didn't offer me one even though I was going dizzy from lack of food!)  They also complained that the activity books that Mum had brought for them weren't all the same - some didn't have the same number of stickers in them as the others!  My goodness, my mum would have killed me if I'd said something like that to my grandma when I was their age!

Kiera somehow managed to lose her poppy in a bush on the walk back.  Abigale gave me her poppy, mainly to avoid giving it to Kiera, I think!

David brought us straight back home afterwards, went in the bathroom for two hours (supposedly falling asleep on the loo...), and then went to work for the rest of the day.

I helped Mum to list five items on eBay, then it got dark and she said that she couldn't do any more.  She fell asleep early in the evening and I got very lonely and depressed again.

I uploaded some videos of my Sing 'n Dance Pinkie Pies on Youtube to help pass the time.  (I wasn't feeling up to doing anything constructive).  I'm sure anybody who wants to watch them already has done but here's a link to one of the videos just in case.  Click to watch on Youtube and then look at the related videos for the rest.

I'd developed a bad toothache in my top right front tooth which I feared was a cavity.  I was trying my very hardest to keep the teeth clean but finding it impossible with metal brackets glued onto them.  What was the point of having straight teeth if they were going to be full of holes by the time the braces came off?

November 14th 2011

What would have been my grandma's 85th birthday.  I always think of my grandparents on their anniversaries.

David's tender went in, so maybe he would finally stop spending so much time at the office for no pay.  Not that it would mean that we went out any more often though.  When he came in at 1pm, Mum immediately got depressed and lie down on the floor to try and sleep!  She didn't want to go to Watford as planned so David went upstairs.

Then she started ranting at ME for photographing my My Beautiful Horses in the front room as this was apparently the reason that she never left the house.  Why did I always start everything so late in the day? about because she didn't wake me up until 10am again?  I started the job as soon as I'd finished my breakfast.  There was no reason that I couldn't have stopped the job halfway through to go out anyway!

We ended up in boring old Grottsville again at 3pm so that David could finally post my friend Kate's trade parcel.  She'd sent my parcel several days previously so I was pleased to get hers in the post at last!

Grottsville was becoming an increasingly unpleasant area.  I didn't even want to spend short periods of time there any more.  I wished David would just let me remove the rest of my stuff from the house and leave.  "Scar Face" (the creep who used to follow me home whenever I left the house in that area) was standing on the opposite side of the road leering through the front window at me,  Another man, dressed in a Russian hat, who appeared to be an associate of Scar Face, also started staring and, having caught my eye, began making suggestive motions at me.

We stopped at McDonalds for fries on the way home.  David didn't offer us any ice cream...just as well really considering how much weight I was putting on!

He didn't go shopping either so there was no food in the house.  He kept opening the cupboard and fridge doors and just looking at the empty shelves before retreating upstairs...  Strange man.

We saw a wood mouse in the garden, scurrying off with Peter's last acorn.  A maggot had bounced out of this particular acorn when I threw it out in the garden so I didn't blame Peter for not taking it!  We were not too pleased to see a mouse so near our back door though!  It casually took the acorn down a hole out there, presumably the entrance to its home.

For those who were wondering, I did manage to pack all of my My Beautiful Horses into one crate, but couldn't fit their showjumping fences in with them.  Time to think again!  Maybe I didn't need to keep all the original accessories, even if I wanted to keep the horses for sentimental reasons?

We had rushed back from Grottsville as a man was supposed to be coming at 5pm to look at the wallpapering and other remaining DIY jobs that needed to be done...but guess what?  He didn't turn up again.  These workmen are useless!

This curious coin operated horse was listed on eBay.

It looked like a horse named "Prince" that I remembered riding on as a child, however I had always believed Prince to be a relatively modern ride and this horse was on what appeared to be an OLD Whittaker Bros.' base.  To be honest, I'd never even seen a base like this one before.  As far as I knew, Whittaker Bros. never made such a large ride.  But the coin chute was certainly a Whittaker one and it appeared to be original to the base.  The base also had a 1960s feel to it somehow.  Actually, now that I had seen "Prince" on a Whittaker-style base and associated him with the company, I realised that he was kind of like a larger version of their "Trigger" ride.  Maybe they were designed by the same person?!

(Spoiler: Yes, they were designed by the same person.  I have since found out that the large horse was Whittaker Bros.' first ever ride, and both horses were designed by Les Quaintance.  Glass Fibre Products' "Prince" was made in the 1980s using the earlier Whittaker mould)

November 15th 2011

I didn't leave the house again.  I'd sprayed my hair with dry hair shampoo the previous night again but there was no chance.  David was ill so he trekked to Grottsville on his own to see a doctor at 10am.  I don't know where else he went but he didn't come back until 2.30pm.  Wow, that must have been some doctor's appointment!

I started trying to sort through my Kinder Surprise collection but struggled to work out which piece went with which toy.  Well, is it really surprising?

As I continued to try and cram fences into the My Beautiful Horses crate, I discovered that one of the horses was missing a horseshoe.  I remember being so careful with those shoes as a child (they are TINY) so I was devastated to have lost it now.  I can only think it somehow dropped off of the horse when I carried it from the kitchen (where I washed them) to the front room (where I photographed them) but a thorough search turned up nothing.

The bloke took it upon himself to turn up today to look at the wallpapering job.  (Lucky that somebody was home really!)  He agreed to take on the job and said that he would send somebody on Friday morning.  Oh well, we'd better make sure we were ready for him on saturday afternoon then!

Best wishes,
Desirée xxx

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