Wednesday, 18 February 2015

Lost Rubber Ducks, Hand Cream Smelling Salts and Expensive Colouring Sets!

I'm failing dismally at writing two blogs a day, but at least I seem to be writing something each day at the moment!

November 21st 2011

Mum and I walked to Lammas Park via the South Ealing charity shops.  I was terribly unfit, gasping for breath and struggling to keep up with Mum.  How did I allow myself to get this way?

That night we went to Grottsville to collect some more eBay stuff as well as a few stray Kinder Surprise toys which I realised I'd left in the library.  I was upset to see that some of the Kinder toys had disappeared, obviously knocked off of the shelf and hoovered up along with the Teeny Weeny Families accessories.  David denied it though, of course, and got angry at the mere accusation.  The place hadn't been hoovered for months.  Yeah?  Well, we hadn't been living there for months and since he took me there so infrequently to collect my stuff, the toys had probably been lying on the floor when it was last hoovered.

He seemed to be in no hurry to clear the house, insisting that he would read every newspaper and magazine that he had hoarded over the years before considering throwing it out.  The lethargy and lack of progress was killing me.

I wonder if that was part of the cause of my hair loss, which was still very bad.  Mind you, my blog notes still talk about how quickly my hair got greasy after being sprayed.  Well, maybe that's because I was still too scared to wash it!  Everything was a struggle - even simple housework like laundry or changing the bed sheets - because I was so paranoid about losing more hair that I would hold my head dead still.  I was giving myself a stiff neck!

And still Mum continued to tell me that I should never consider wearing a wig, which terrified me even more at the prospect of going completely bald!

November 22nd 2011

We had another nice walk in Lammas Park, although there were so many slippery leaves on the paths that it was like a death trap.  Mum found a rubber duck sitting on top of a bin over there and picked him up for her duckie collection!

Emma was in another bad mood.  Mum was very disturbed by it all and was actually avoiding writing to her for once, hoping that she would calm down.  Why do my family always have to cause so much trouble amongst themselves?

I was suffering with bad depression again, focussing on my hair loss but also the more serious, underlying problem of having no purpose to my life.  I was so horribly lonely and felt so worthless without a basic education or job.  Now I was getting bad stomach pains as well.  It felt like indigestion but I bet it was stress-related.  My hair was feeling horrible...I really wanted to wash it but didn't have the nerve.  God knows why I thought I'd lose any less by allowing my scalp to get so greasy and caking it in dry hair shampoo powder though!

David had to go to Ealing Hospital for an ECG and then went straight back to Grottsville to start sorting through his rubbish again, using US as an excuse because WE were the ones who wanted him to "rush" to clear the house.  Considering we'd already been living at Woodberry for over nine months, I wouldn't exactly call it a "rush"!

Mum went to sleep early so I was left all on my own again, downloading kiddie ride videos to try and keep myself sane.  It's no wonder I was so strange and depressed really, is it?  I spent most of my life in a darkened room with nobody to talk to but myself!

Oh well, I received my trade parcel from my friend Kate anyway, so that put a smile on my face.  I can't remember for the life of me what I sent as my end of the trade, but I'm sure Kate was far too generous in return!

Mum's friend Jill also kindly sent us this little gift set of hand creams as a cheer up gift.  I remember they smelled delicious...I kept sniffing them that lonely evening to try and get myself through until bedtime!

November 23rd 2011

Mum spent the day clearing up in the kitchen and produced a large black sack full of rubbish.  The place didn't look much better for it though!  We took the rubbish bags to Grottsville in the evening, as it was rubbish collection day the next day over there.

It wasn't a pleasant outing.  I didn't even get out of the car and David played the most awful music all the way there as well as turning the heating up to an unbearable temperature.  I almost wished I hadn't accompanied him!

The grease in my hair had got too much even for me now.  So I sucked up the courage to wash it, using the awful shampoo that the doctor had prescribed for my "dandruff".  I don't know what damage that did to it, considering I didn't even have dandruff!  It was nasty shampoo and impossible to rinse out.  It made my hair feel even thinner than it already was!

Mum had a nice surprise when her childhood Beatles Pencil By Number Set (which she had originally listed for £10) sold on eBay for £315!

However, we soon realised that the buyer was an unpleasant American Beatles dealer who knew that he could sell the set on for even more money in the states.  And he even refused to pay extra insurance for the higher value so that would have to come out of Mum's pocket as well.

So Mum's joy was short lived and she was soon taking her anger out on me.  Her old photo scrapbooks would have to go into storage because I hadn't made enough progress and had now missed my chance because David always took his laptop to work with him now!  Well, she could have always tried scanning some of the pictures herself...

Emma was still in a very unpleasant mood too, which was not helping with Mum's temper.  Basically she was accusing Mum of never caring about her, telling her that she kept reflecting on her childhood and realising that Mum had never had any interest in seeing her reach her full potential or even having any interest in her goals or dreams.  Join the club, sister dearest.  Oh, but no, Mum had always taken more interest in me, you know?  Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to get to know more about me and my life before making such crazy statements. Instead, Emma wrote what can only be described as a form of poetry entitled "Who Cares?"  Well, that's what Mum described it as anyway.  It was basically a long waffling paragraph of accusations, with every line ending in the same two words!  Obviously somebody cared very much...

November 24th 2011

David took us to Grottsville at 1pm, so we didn't have much time to get anything done before it got dark.  We still managed to throw away three full black sacks full of rubbish though (including my beloved old bath toys which made me sad, but I knew it had to be done!) why did the place look no emptier?

We had a vegetarian cottage pie for dinner, which made a nice change because Mum wouldn't use the oven here at Woodberry.  She refused to eat off of her old plate over there though because it was too grimy, so chose to eat out of the plastic tray it came out of instead.  I think we were turning into a couple of old tramps due to our living conditions!

I tried to record some more toy commercials, but Hasbro didn't seem to start advertising until gone 6pm.  I still managed to catch a Princess Celestia advert before we came home though.

We went to Iron Bridge McDonalds in the evening for my last Caramel McFlurry (it was to be discontinued the following day).  However much junk food did I eat back then?  No wonder I was so awfully fat and unhealthy!

I noticed that people were already starting to put Christmas decorations up, not just in the shops in Ealing Broadway but in the windows of people's houses and apartments.  It made me sad to think that we wouldn't have any again this year.

My hair was driving me crazy.  I was having the most awful nightmare about waking up and finding the whole lot lying on my pillow when Mum really did wake me up that morning!  (Thankfully most of my hair was still on my head so that part of the dream was incorrect!)  I spent most of the morning crying because it was so thin and fine and the scalp was now visible even at the front of my head.  I'd made my neck so stiff from holding my head still all the time.  I didn't even want to leave the house any more because I was so convinced that everybody was staring at me.

November 25th 2011

David had a day off work, but wasted most of it in the bathroom as ever.  Then we headed to Watford at 2pm.  We decided to walk further along the high street outside the centre for once and discovered some charity shops which we hadn't previously known were there.  I found a Keypers book and a video for 30p each in the RSPCA charity shop.

I hoped to find a nice necklace for a friend for Christmas, but I realised that the stuff in New Look was cheap, light weight and downright tacky.  I eventually settled on a nice necklace and earrings set in BHS and got myself one of the same kind.  Mine broke the first time I ever wore it so I daresay hers did as well...but she was too polite to say if it did!

BHS had a buy one get one half price sale on everything in store (hence buying the second necklace for myself) but I still didn't dare to buy my beautiful nightie due to Mum's opinion that it was too "risque"!

I'd realised that the Rocky outside the market was coloured slightly differently to the Greenford and Hanwell ones so I took a picture of him.

I wonder how many colour variations of Rocky have actually been made over the years?

Mum went dizzy with hunger soon after that so we didn't get in half of the shops we had planned to go in.  The doctor rang to say that David's blood and urine test results were lost so he had to have more tests done which might have added to her dizzy spell.  I still didn't understand why he refused to change to the doctor in Ealing.  The Grottsville doctors were totally useless at everything!

Mum was tired out and fell asleep by 6.30pm, leaving me on my ownsome all evening again.  My life was becoming a sad and lonely joke.  Surely there had to be some way to get out of this daily misery?

Best wishes,
DesirĂ©e  xxx

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